


and i'm a god damn coward but then again so are you

by reshirama



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: ????????? asuka and shinji take their pain out on each other and beat the hedgehog's dilema, Gen, Queerplatonic Relationships, post-eoe, this is kind of fucked up but idk how to describe it, this isnt shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9223757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reshirama/pseuds/reshirama
Summary: on a beach, they watch her sink and cry.queerplatonic unhealthy asuka/shinji, trying to heal but not being very good at it





	

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't romantic ok this is  
> unhealthy and violent and kinda. for coping.  
> the title is from 'the lion's roar' by first aid kit which is, in my opinion The asuka/shinji song  
> enjoy!!

 The world is red and grey and dark and falling. Asuka stares at the sinking head on the horizon, and all she can think, all she can think is ‘what a waste’. Shinji stands next to her, and she rubs her throat. She’s on edge, all sharp and jumpy like a wild animal. Shinji feels like the kid who stares and stares and stares, waiting to grab and pull and hold too tight.

 She doesn’t want to be held. She did, she thinks, not so long ago. It was like Shinji- anyone would do. But not anymore. Not since her mother let her down, and she knows, she knows that she can look after herself, and she doesn’t need him, and that she might be tougher and stronger and rougher, but she hasn’t learned anything.

 ‘Asuka?’ Shinji’s voice is pitiful and weak, and she wants to crush it beneath her heel. His voice, his throat- she pictures his windpipe cracking under her foot. ‘Asuka, it’s just us, now, isn’t it?’

 God, he makes her sick! Sick because he’s right, and it’s just them and the open wind and the red, red sea. 

 ‘Asuka, don’t we need each other-’

 ‘Don’t you dare try that shit on me again, Shinji, don’t you fucking dare!’ And the realisation in his eyes is worth it, worth the awful words streaming out of her mouth. ‘Oh, yes. That was me. That was me you had your hands around, it was me, and don’t you dare say something about it not being real, because I remember it, I feel it, so shut up, shut up!’

 She thinks, then, that she’s shocked him into silence, the way she always did before. But he lashes back. 

 ‘I’m trying, Asuka, I’m trying as hard as I can! I don’t want to be alone and you’re the only person left, so please, please, please…’

 She’s not sure he even knows what he’s asking for anymore, but she won’t give it to him. She won’t give in, give him that satisfaction.

 ‘God, I hate you.’ she sneers. ‘I hate how cowardly you are when there’s nothing to be scared of, I hate that you come crawling on your knees for something I can’t ever give you, I hate that you couldn’t be right, I hate how similar we are, I hate you, I hate you!’ 

 She understands him, she thinks that’s the worst thing. She really does. Asuka knows it goes both ways, and she always wanted to be this beguiling, strange mystery to Shinji- to everyone. She’s not. Not anymore. She’s pathetic and awful and now everyone- or rather no one- knows it. Just the wind and the sea of thousands and Shinji Ikari. 

 He chokes on the ground, and Asuka realises he’s crying again. God, when is he going to stop? 

 ‘I hate you, too.’ he whimpers. Asuka frowns. ‘I hate that you hit me and confuse me and I can’t tell what you want. I can’t tell if you like me or not and I can’t tell if you’re angry or sad, and you seem to want something from me, but I have no idea what it could be!’

 Asuka flinches, because she knows. She can feel it in her hands and her feet and all the way up her spine, dancing on each vertebrae and sinking her teeth into her neck. God, since she’s come out of the sea it hasn’t bothered her so much (possibly because there are no girls to feel guilty about staring at anymore, just Shinji, who couldn’t do it even when she dressed him up.) but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting.

 ‘You little shit,’ she whispers. And then she kicks him. And then again, and then she kicking him over and over and over, and it must hurt, because her foot hurts just from doing it. And then Shinji’s hands close on her ankle and they tumble.

 It’s like the time before, in the kitchen, in Instrumentality, except this time Asuka fights back. They’re rolling and snarling and for a moment, she is floating, she doesn’t exist, she is everyone, a roaring, hissing ball of oneness and she  _ hates  _ it. 

 And he did it to her.

 She howls, feral and furious and lashes, catching Shinji across the face. He scratches, scratches at the patch on her eye and she tugs away, so his nails draw blood across her cheek and she wails. Her feet catch him in his stomach, and then she pounces as he’s reeling. Her teeth catch his neck, and he screeches.

 Neither of them are human anymore. Neither of them ever were. They were both wild beasts, ruled by instinct and Asuka wants to snap him in half and eat him alive. But he has claws she never noticed before, and he’s digging them in.

 She catches his shoulders and dashes his head on the ground, and she thinks it would have killed anyone else, but there’s no one else, and they’re not human anymore.

 He goes for her neck and she moves, because he’s not getting her a third time, not again, but then he’s grasping her and she can’t get out and she’s under the water, breathing out great gusts of air from her lungs, stirring the LCL up. By now, anyone else would have drowned. But there’s no one else, and they’re not human anymore. 

 She pushes his hands off her shoulders and rears up, her good eye blazing and blue, her medical eyepatch trailing off, revealing something gory and red and violent and dead beneath.

 They brawl in the water, hands scratching, hitting, teeth biting, kicking and rolling, kicking the water of millions up into a storm. 

 And then Asuka cries.

 Why does it start? She doesn’t know. She really doesn’t, but mid-lash she falls forward and begins to weep onto Shinji’s shoulder. 

 He freezes. She expects him to take advantage of the moment, hit her, fight back, but she feels his tears drop hot onto the back of her neck.

 He wraps himself around her, because she’s all he has left. She holds him tighter, because he’s all she has, too.

 ‘You idiot.’ she sobs. ‘You utter idiot.’ 

 The realisation that he is her best friend, that he’s always been, no matter how much she despises him, is awful and choking but it’s relief.

 They can move forwards.

 Their tears fall together, hissing in the red waves, and they shake together.

 How awful they are! Twisted and gnarled around each other like a pair of trees grown too close. How disgusting they are! Strange creatures, playing at things too old for them and meeting the consequences head on.

 Well, Asuka doesn’t mind being disgusting if she has Shinji to balance her out.

 She still hates him, but she thinks she loves him too, but in the worst way, not in the way she wanted to oh, so long ago when she pinched his nose shut and punched his kiss out of him.

 And she thinks he still hates her. Or if he didn’t before, then he does now. That’s okay. That’s alright. At least it’s mutual. At least they have something to work from. They can only go up now. They can only go up.


End file.
